flameandpassion | 47 [Voice]

[It's what happens, unfortunately, when you tell her she isn't trustworthy. Try as she might -- and she does -- Rei cannot get past their last conversation before he regained his memories. And she keeps herself guarded in order to avoid getting hurt again.]

Don't what?

[Careful monotone.]

[And he can't get past the fact that he feels like Zack's life was wasted when he sacrificed it for him, whether that was what she meant or not. Like it was a worthless gift, and therefore, his life is worthless by extension.

Maybe there's nothing left to fight for. He doesn't know anymore.]

Act like I'm some random person who gave you my sympathy for your loss.

It's not a loss. She isn't dead. She went back home.

[Just like Minako did. And Makoto. And Mamoru. It's only a matter of time before Usagi, Ami, and Michiru leave too.]

... I was just letting everyone know. She had friends besides us here.

[She'd mention them, but Hitsugaya is among them, and talking about him with Cloud gives her a headache.]

[He's just going to take a deep breath, and try and hold whatever anger he's feeling inside.]

This isn't working anymore, Rei. Us pretending that nothing's wrong is getting us no where.

[There was a long silence.

Should she be honest or should she lie? -- well, lying was out of the question. Rei loathed lying, hated it, was terrible at it. But at the same time, could she say what was bothering her?

Rei grits her teeth. It would end in only one way. She knew that -- she wasn't stupid. She could avoid it all she liked, but Hino Rei was no coward.]

[A slow exhalation of breath.]

-- fine.

It bothers me that people don't take me seriously in this place -- you included. It bothers me that Horst decided to kill himself, after so many people in this place fight to survive ever single day. It bothers me that no matter what I do, people die, and no matter what I see, people die. It bothers me that my best friend is on the verge of breaking and I can't do anything about it and when I fight to keep her sane, that's a bad thing. It bothers me that so many people in this place hurt her, hurt my friends, and I'm stuck on the sidelines watching, like some helpless child, when I'm supposed to be a soldier.

I've died. I've been tormented. I've had my heart ripped out and I've had it held in someone else's hands. I've lived and no one in this place, including you, seems to take that into account when they tell me that I don't know how it feels or what it's like to be me.

I'm sick of this place and how every single person I love is going to vanish and not remember me tomorrow. Every single one. And some of them aren't going to give me a second look if they come back.

[The more she goes on, the more her voice trembles, but she forces herself to continue.]

It bothers me that you don't trust me. It bothers me that your first thought, your first subconscious thought, when I'm under the influence of an event, is that I cheat on you. It bothers me that I can't go see Toushirou without feeling guilty that you don't approve. It bothers me that I always feel like I'm being talked down to whenever I say something that you don't agree with, like I haven't gone through the same things you have.

[And then, finally, after a deep breath, and her voice slips into a cold, hard tone, one that she normally only uses as Mars:]

I am a senshi. That will always come first, before everything else, and anything else. I have a duty to protect my princess and fight for her. She will come before everything and everyone. My own safety. You. Toushirou. Al. Negi. Everyone.

I have died for her. I will die for her. And she comes first.

[It takes him a long while before he answers, or shows any sign that he's even still there at all. The only sound or clue that he's listened to what she's said at all is the sound of his slow breathing still coming over the PCD.]

[And the first thing that wells up is anger, both at himself and at her. Because how can she hold something against him so fully when he didn't have the memories to know that she would never do that to him? He knows it, in his heart, but at the time it was as if everything and everyone around him were pulling him in different directions. The words "You can trust me." and ""Believe in me." take on such different meanings when you have nothing there to back it up.

The second thing was the knowledge that what had happened that week hadn't been real. It had been the Animus forcing her to believe what ever they wanted, just like they had made him believe that he had a father who loved and cared about him, or a sister who was always there. Or a boyfriend who put him first, no matter what the circumstance.

And that was how it had been his entire life. Everyone had always put him first. His mother, Zack, all of his friends. He was their leader, the one they all looked to, the one they all followed. He was the one who they all wanted to protect, the only one who could lead them to victory. He was a protector, the one who was expected to be there to save all of them. The one who always knew what to do. He had worn both hats for so long, but at the end of the day, everyone had always put him first. He was their hero, their savior, the one who had brought them back from the brink.

He didn't know how to handle someone being put in that spot ahead of him. Anyone. And he knew he needed someone who wouldn't. He needed so much more time and energy and effort than she had to give. He had known for a while, long before any of this had happened.]

[So when he speaks, it's quiet, barely there, like his throat can't stand the harshness of his voice.]

It bothers me that no one here thinks I'm capable of anything, including you. It bothers me that no matter what I do or hard I fight to prove myself, you never think I'm strong enough to help you. They're your enemies, from your world, one I'm not a part of. And I never will because you won't let me in enough to let be become a part of it.

It bothers me that I have to live knowing every second I spend with Zack is borrowed time. He could leave tomorrow, and I'll never see him again. He's not like the people from your world. When he goes home, that's it. His part in my life is over. The only time I can even come close to being with him is when I visit the cliff where he died.

And it hurts because I was there. I watched him die and I couldn't save him. I can't save him now. I can't save Aerith. I can't save all of the people who died when Meteor fell. I can't repair the damage done to my planet. To my home. All I'll ever be able to see is children digging through the rubble, looking for their parents, bleeding and broken and crying because they know they're gone even before they see their bodies.

I'm a Soldier, exactly the same as you are. It's my job to protect those people. To protect my friends. When I became a member of AVALANCHE, those people became my family. Three of them died during an attack on Shinra, trying to make them pay for what they had done. Hundred's of people died when Shinra brought down the plate on Sector Seven to teach us a lesson. I can still hear those people screaming as the world fell down around them. Because we thought we were doing what was right to free them from those who tried to control them.

Shinra has controlled my entire life. And now, the Animus control it, just like they did. When I go back, I'll go back to a war we may never win. And when I'm finished, I'll go back to a torn and broken world we may never fix. Because of a company I was a part of. One I believed in.

[He pauses, because where had that all come from? He had been holding it inside for so long, it was like he hadn't even noticed it was pouring from him until it was too late.]

During that week, I never even thought about you. You were just another person. Someone else who was trapped here. And after wards, I realized you weren't. You've never been just another person. And it scared me how easily we could both just forget about each other. It's not you I don't trust. It's what we could do under the control of the Animus that scares me. That's what I don't trust. I would never try and make you feel guilty because of Hitsugaya, because I know better.

And you haven't seen the same things I have, because, in the end, no one has. I haven't seen the things you've seen. They're different. They're meant to be.

[His voice was still quiet and calm. They had to get this out before it was too late.]

When I go home, I'll forget about you. I'll forget there ever was a Rei Hino, or an Adstringendum. I'll forget about the things that happened here and the reasons why. I'll go back to the same place I was taken from, and when that war is over I'll go back to Gaia and continue my life.

I'll be a dad in two years. I'll have a my own business. I'll have a family. And the things that happened here won't matter.

But I know something will always be missing because there's always going to be a piece of me that belongs to you. But I know if any of them were to come here, I'd put them first, because the piece of me they hold are even bigger and stronger.

[He takes a deep breath, because admitting that a child he would one day adopt would somehow be more important than her was painful. Knowing that he would out Tifa, Marlene, even Zack in front of her was a painful realization, but a true one.]

I don't know how much more time we have but... I don't want to spend this way. I can't live like that.

I would die for you. I fought so hard to stay here, to be everything you wanted me to be. To be what you wanted and needed. And it's not enough because... that's not who I am.

I need someone who will put me first. Someone who will be there when I need them because I'm not always strong enough to do what needs to be done.

I need someone who will love me as much as I love them. I still think you're that person. I just.... don't know how to fix what's already been broken.

Usagi will always be first.

[It's not harsh. It's not cruel. It's a fact -- one Rei has stated dozens of times, to dozens of enemies, to dozens of people.

Tsukino Usagi will always, always, always be first.

Her loyalty runs deep -- and her loyalty runs directly to that girl, no matter what, no matter where, no matter how. She is Hino Rei's top priority, even when she is not here. That is all there is to it.]

I can't change that. I won't.

And if you're going to get angry with me every single time I have to stay with the senshi, then... like I said. I'm doing everything I can for as many people as I can, but I am a senshi, and that comes first.

[But then, quieter:]

... and if you're going to expect every person in every relationship to put you first, with your world as it is, with my world as it is, with this world as it is, then it's not going to work.

[Hino Rei has learned to operate on her own because she had to. And she never expects people to put her own needs before theirs or their friends. Because it's wrong -- or, at least, that's how she views it.]

They'll always come first to me.

[It's soft, gentle, a sign that he understands what she's said. Because he would always put his family above everyone else.]

I don't want you to change that, because I'm not going to change the way I am either. Zack and Tifa will always come first. And one day, my son will too.

I trust you. And because I trust you, I know the reasons why I'm not first in your life. I can deal with that.

But I'm selfish. Because at the end of the day, I still want to be the one who has you beside me.

Not because I don't trust you, or because I don't have faith in you. But because when you're with me is when I'm happiest.

But you don't believe that.

It's always been 'Usagi or me' or 'this or me' or 'that or me', Cloud. Every single time I've had to continue my mission, you've gotten angry with me. And I know that when I have to cancel something because Usagi needs me, you're going to get angry again, and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being yelled at and being made to feel like I'm a bad person because I have a duty.

That mission, that duty -- I've sworn myself to it. Nothing else will ever get between that. And you don't understand that, even if you say you do now, because I've never been proven otherwise.

Don't tell me what I do believe and what I don't.

You think you know me so well, and the truth is, you don't. Usagi knows me better than you do.

[There's an extraordinarily long silence.

When she speaks, her tone is frigid.]

Usagi knows everyone better than anyone else because that's who Usagi is.

But what I know is that you say all of these things and you don't follow up with them. You tell me that you trust me, that I make you happiest, and then you do the opposite, every single time, when the only thing I do is follow my heart to do what's right.

So go ahead. Ask Usagi why I'm so upset, because I'm sure she'll tell you. But do me a favor and wait until tomorrow.

She's having a horrible day.

[Click.]

[Except he won't be asking Usagi why you're so upset, because the point is, he no longer cares. He had, up until that point. He had care deeply, so deeply that he had put up with so much more for her than he ever would have with someone else.

But he wasn't going to stand there and let her question his intentions or his actions, or put words in his mouth. If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was people acting like they knew him when they didn't.

So he won't be calling Usagi. And he won't be calling Rei back. He ahd thought, at some point, that they could save whatever was left between them. Now, he's pretty sure he regrets the day he asked her to be his. And he had enough regret to last him a life time and then some.

So he would just leave it alone for now. Leave it and see what became of it if they just let time try to heal it. Maybe it would be able to work out what ever couldn't.]

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