flameandpassion | 68 [Voice]

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68 [Voice]

Guys?

[Rei sounds worried -- which is rare, for her. And, surprisingly, this is not about the fact that she still does not have access to her powers. Though she did throw something of a personal fit to herself when they did not come back.]

I haven't seen Youma in three or four hours and he usually comes in by now. Let me know if you see him so I can come get him. He usually doesn't wander far, but...

He looks like this.

ATTACHMENT; photo

Like I said, let me know.

ooc; Yeah, yeah, I spam too much, BUT. This was too fun to pass up. 8) WE NEED SOME HURR UP IN THIS DERP. Youma is not actually missing. A stupid mortal angel decided to borrow him. 8| But have some fun poking around and feel free to find other cats and other generally silly things to make up for it. Rei will find Youma in a couple of hours and let everyone know in that hand-wave-y kind of way, but until then, the stupid cat is missing.

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[He does so; putting the cat absently as he tries to answer Rei's question.]

I don't know. Since I fell asleep again.

[The cat stretches with a purr before remaining still underneath the affections. Rei stares at him for a moment -- did the thing just purr -- before she brushes the hair out of her face with a sigh.]

I've been looking for him all day. I didn't think he'd be sleeping in here with you.

[She pauses before she reaches out to scratch Youma behind the ears.]

You actually slept, though?

I didn't realize you were looking for him.

[Youma had just wandered in while he was laying on the floor, trying to decide if he wanted to bother getting up, and next thing he knew he'd been petting the cat and then Rei was shaking him awake.]

I... Yes.

[He didn't really feel rested, but he didn't feel the overwhelming desire to sleep and the nausea and dizziness that had been accompanying it anymore.]

Well, you were asleep.

[She's quiet, for a moment, before she settles down to actually properly sit on the floor, instead of just kneeling and resting on her heels. Youma flicks his tail lightly, as if pondering whether or not he wants to move -- but Castiel is giving him attention, so the answer is... no. No, he is not.]

What did you dream about?

[Castiel watches her shift to actually sit on the floor, a little surprised. She was just going to sit here?

At her question, though, he turns his attention toward the cat and responds without looking at her.]

Nothing.

[Which was true while Youma had been with him, though not before. But she hadn't clarified.]

[He seems content just to sit there. And Rei doesn't particularly mind sitting on the floor. She spends most of her time in her shrine sitting on the floor anyway. Chairs are stupid. 8|]

You fell out of your bed, Cas.

[He glances over at her, then back at the cat. He could keep avoiding the topic, or answer. He didn't really think she'd let him do the former, so the latter it was, he supposed.]

It was a memory.

Those are the worst kind.

[It's a thoughtful hum as she watches Youma stretch his way into Castiel's lap.]

Nightmares are easy to forget. Memories aren't.

[He gathers the cat up in his lap, still petting him. He'd never pet a cat before Youma, but he decided he liked the little creatures. The cat has his full focus while he talked, anyway.]

It was... Just before I rebelled. I had been disobeying, which was a severe offense for an angel. It was deemed that reprogramming was necessary.

[She's silent, for a moment, to let him speak. She doesn't bother to ask what 'reprogramming' means -- Rei has an inkling as to what it entails, given the angels' strict adherence to policy and Castiel's venomous hatred of the system in general.

Reprogramming? Probably torture. Or, given their power, perhaps an entire memory wipe. Though Castiel rebelled shortly afterwards -- so Rei realizes, with a twist in her stomach, that it was probably just torture.

Disgusting.]

Another great thing about memories is that they've already happened.

[She forces a smile.]

You only have to deal with the aftershock, not the rest -- not ever again.

[A memory wipe on a creature as old as an angel would destroy them, not that the torture wouldn't eventually do the same thing when taken to far, as it had to Anna. But he'd given in so quickly, completely terrified back into submission, that though it had damaged him he'd been spared insanity.

He glances up at her briefly at her words, and they do reassure him a bit.]

I know. I shouldn't allow myself to be bothered by the memory.

[He was quiet again for a few moments, before he felt compelled to continue. He'd never spoken about this at length to anyone, barely even mentioning it to anyone; the most he'd talked about it had been to Anna for obvious reasons, before she'd mostly stopped speaking to him when Raphael arrived.]

It destroyed Anna, and I wonder if it might have had more of an effect on me than I'd thought.

[He does, after all, eventually go insane himself as well. What if it had all started because of that?]

It was Raphael's fault, and my direct superior, Zachariah. All because I discovered they'd been lying about trying to stop the Apocalypse, and had been the entire time.

Edited 2011-07-22 07:55 (UTC)

[Aha. So that was the reason behind the rebellion against Heaven. Rei purses her lips slightly to herself, bothered. Fate was fate -- destiny could never be truly altered, no matter how many times Castiel insisted that it could. But lying about trying to stop the Apocalypse, being hand-fed along, only to be betrayed...

Rei would have done the same thing, she realizes in slight annoyance, miffed by the circumstances. But Castiel is still talking to her, and Rei shrugs a little.]

I don't think you'll ever know for sure -- but if you managed fine until that point, then I think you probably got past it. Purgatory is what pushed you towards what you did, not the... reprogramming.

[Saying it like that is positively revolting, but Rei doesn't want to just out and say the word 'torture' when he prefers the other way. And the idea that they would use torture on their own family -- not just allies, or soldiers, but family -- makes Rei a special sort of infuriated.]

I'd trap them all and teach them a lesson if I could. -- and, you know, Raphael is here.

[He's quiet at that, thinking back as he had been so much lately, looking over his decisions over time and trying to figure out when he'd started to go off course. The souls may have had something to do with what had happened, but it's likely they weren't all of it.

But aside from being so shaken and terrified of being taken back to Heaven again that he'd let Sam loose and turned in Anna, what had changed after the reprogramming? Other than eliminate the sense of trust and familial bond he used to so strongly have, the torture had done nothing but destroy part of him, the idealistic portion that had viewed humans as works of art and the world as a shining thing of beauty. It had never returned, but to walk away with only those losses was better than what might have happened. Better than what had happened to Anna.]

Maybe. It's simply... If it was only Purgatory, the change was so quick.

[Which was terrifying. If he could snap, just like that, who knows what might happen. If it hadn't been gradual, did he have any hope at all of avoiding it? This wasn't an external enemy he could fight. This was something within him and he couldn't even trust himself.

He pulled his thoughts away from that, though, at her offer.]

Dean killed Zachariah. It was a fitting end for him after everything he'd done.

[Zachariah had been terrible to Dean, after all; Castiel would've gladly taken out the other angel himself if he'd had opportunity, but he hadn't. And that a human had killed the smug, superior and self-righteous Zachariah was just too perfect.]

As much as I would like to see Raphael faced with your holy fire, it wouldn't be wise.

[Almost worth it though. Almost.]

[She's silent, for a long moment, to think, before Rei decides to be honest.]

I think you wanted so badly to do the right thing, to keep everyone safe, that you made a lot of decisions that you wouldn't have made if you had given yourself time to think. The souls, working with that demon, and then cracking Purgatory -- all of that inside of you would make anyone lose a part of themselves, even the strongest person.

[Rei pauses before she pulls her knees to her chest, to rest her chin on top of them, watching Youma absently.]

You've made different decisions here to make yourself a better person. And your future has had consequences here, but you've kept working despite them to try and make things better.

[There's a slight pang of guilt, in saying that, before Rei brushes her hair out of her face again.]

Don't let anyone tell you that that doesn't count for anything, including me.

[His eyes are still on the cat in his lap, petting the long fur absently, but he's listening to every word. They're almost reassuring, and he strangely feels a little relieved, like even she thought he might have a chance, even if it was just here.

He had been trying, so hard, to do the right thing. Here, he's come to realize his own judgment may not be reliable, and so the opinion of others was beginning to matter more and more. That she has faith in him, even a little, means something.]

I am going to keep doing so, and I will find a way to fix this.

[Finally, he looks up at her again, and states his next comment so flatly that it must be intentional.]

I will simply continue to ignore you should you say it can't be done, as I have been.

[It wasn't teasing--he couldn't manage such a thing right now--but the comment was definitely light, in a way.]

[She stares back for a moment before her lip twitches as Rei tries not to laugh. It winds up being a fruitless attempt as she snorts to herself in a laugh, shaking her head slightly as she tries to control herself.]

Well, keep ignoring me -- about that. [She is quick to add that -- Castiel doesn't need a loophole to do something stupid. But Rei is quick to return to teasing.] Everything else I say is right.

[Most of the time, anyway. Her attention is caught by how much attention Castiel is giving the cat and she looks thoughtful.]

You've probably never held a cat before you stayed here, huh. I'm guessing angels don't really keep pets -- not that I'm a cat person. I actually have birds, back home. I only started liking cats after I met Artemis and Luna.

Alright. [And he will, too. He's also not smiling yet, but her laughing does cause his expression to brighten just a bit.

He looks back down at Youma briefly, then up at her again at her comment.]

No. I have never pet a cat before. We don't have Earth animals in Heaven.

[He tilts his head slightly at her.]

You have birds?

[The way Castiel says 'Earth animals' makes her think that they have Heavenly animals, but she doesn't ask. At least -- not yet. She feels the explanation may be longer than strictly necessary.]

Crows. Well, at home, I do. Not here.

[She scritches just behind Youma's ear.]

I never wanted cats around just in case they would eat them, but Luna and Artemis eat cat food, I guess. I've never asked Usagi or Minako.

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