flameandpassion | 74 [Voice]

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74 [Voice]

[There's a silence, for a long moment -- before Rei finally works up the nerve to say something. She sounds tired.]

It's getting a lot harder to keep believing everything has a purpose in this place.

[There's a long rush of air as Rei exhales.]

It's almost as if the Animus don't want us here -- but if that's true, then why have I been here for over a year? Why have some people been here longer? What makes some of us different?

-- if anyone's got any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

[The only people Rei would need to tell, about Haruka vanishing, would be the senshi themselves. And the senshi, being the senshi, already know. So why repeat something painful?

But all the same, she seems to want to say more -- before she ends the feed.]

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[Al opens his mouth for a moment, then closes it with a sigh. Sometimes, even he doesn't have constantly optimistic answers.]

I don't think the Animus really have as much control over it as they like to pretend.

[She looks tired, but calm. Resigned, even.]

So it's all chance?

Some, I think. But chaos can't exist without some order, and order can't be defined without chaos.

[Smile. He's getting existential again.]

It's not a matter of order or chaos. It's whether or not we're meant to be here.

... I don't know.

[Soft, a little subdued.]

I know what it is for me, and for Ed and Negi... and for my mother and father. But others, I'm not sure.

But I tend to view this place mostly as a second chance, or a means of growing.

[She is quiet, for a long moment, before she speaks.]

I -- need to believe that I'm here for a reason.

[Because nothing else makes sense.]

Maybe there's something you have to learn.

I've lost more than I've learned.

[But that's a lesson in and of itself, isn't it? The need to keep on going.]

Have you really?

[Soft, reasonable. He remembers feeling like this, the hopelessness of it.]

... I'm never going to give up.

[That much is said with confidence, but it's trying.]

But I can't -- I can't keep lying to myself and say that I don't want to. I can't keep fighting things I can't defeat. And I can't keep seeing the senshi come and go.

Haruka --

[She had flat out told Rei she needed to be more of a soldier. And she had tried. And it had blown up, spectacularly, in her face.]

[Al nods, slowly.]

How long have you been here now, Rei...?

... a year and almost three months, now.

You know... I had someone I loved, even before Negi?

[A tiny, tight smile.]

[Pause.]

... no. I didn't.

... I don't talk about it much. But they disappeared too. Back to their world. And they had been through so much here that even if they came back, they would never be the same.

I was... really angry. And depressed. It was a hopeless feeling. Powerless. Like nothing had meaning.

[Al half-laughs, shaking his head. There are tears at the corners of his eyes.] I felt... almost like it wasn't worth it to get up in the morning sometimes, because what was the point?

[Yeah. Even Al was there.]

... if Usagi and Michiru left, if I was alone again -- it would be hard, but I would see them again.

[Quietly.]

I always find the senshi. We're all parts of a whole. But -- Toushirou, Cas -- you -- even me, if I leave here, I couldn't --

I know.

[Very soft, painful.]

But Rei... when things get hard, or when you lose something, or when you're in pain, it puts you in the best position to find what's truly important.

No one would ever become stronger if they never struggled.

... and you know, Sasuke used to hate me. [Al half-laughs.] Until we went through the inner city together, and I took a bullet while I was carrying him out of there.

If that hadn't happened, I'm not sure how things would have turned out.

... I know. And I know what's important.

But I need to know why and I never will.

[It's that -- that the answer will forever be out of her grasp -- that bothers her most of all.]

That's a question for everyone, no matter where they are.

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing. I'm not sure anyone does.

Someone has to, in the world. The Animus want to find the scientists. They say it's their fault.

The key to figuring out why we're here is with them. I'm sure of it.

[Or it could be another false lead. Either way, Rei can't accept not doing anything.]

It was an accident, Rei. Nobody meant to create this place. They've said so themselves.

I don't believe in accidents.

This place was meant for something -- and someone knows the truth of why and how this place was created.

Maybe not an accident, but sometimes the results are not what you intended to have happen. Something is left out, and things don't turn out the way you plan.

Then I need to know what went wrong.

... why?

[Very softly. This is so dangerous, Rei.]

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